on wholeness

Friday, June 6

It's 3am, I'm up, when I shouldn't be. So why am I up? Writing up my last essay for the semester, that's why. And I know what you're thinking, girl's procrastinated like a typical first year and left it to the last minute again. You'd be wrong! It's three days till due date, so I'm starting way, way too early... am I right?

Late nights also bring about deep reflections, naturally, and lately I've been having a lot of those. Amidst nights of the quiet and undisturbed, one word has been on my mind lately and that is... wholeness. Yes, wholeness.

Wholeness is something we all gravitate towards in our life, isn't it? In the things that we do, in the goals we make, in the dreams we have, in the people we connect to -- they are all the makings of this perceived wholeness. But it seems, that sometimes, we have failed misgivings as to what true wholeness is. I know, at least I do. Sometimes... I mistake happiness as wholeness. I think, that to be whole, that I should be happy, almost like happiness is the default setting of each and everyone of us.

But the truth is? If that was wholeness, no one in this world could achieve this.

I refuse to believe that when life hands us bruised lemons, and we're not crazy happy about making a lemonade -- that this means we're not whole people. But believing that the pursuit of life is to strive for happiness can lead to that. Living life entirely and solely for happiness is a dangerous thing... because it can lead to this fear, this inacceptance, this rejection of sadness. Life just can't be lived like that... it's not happiness. And it most certainly isn't wholeness.

I read a profound excerpt recently about how sadness, disappointment, frustration and failure make me us who we are. And how true that is. Society is so quick to dismiss it when life chews us up, so quick with their familiar "it will be okay!", "move on!" or "chin up buttercup!" messages, when it is through these hard times that we truly grow. Thing is, these moments of hardship might not make us feel whole (or rather, happy) at the time, but lately instead of dismissing a bad day altogether, I'm learning to ask myself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?"